BOLD as LOVE

"So check it out right,

I've tired every approach to living,

Ive done tired it all,

I haven't tired everything but Ive tired every approach,

sometimes you have to try everything to get the approach the same.

Ive tired it all ,

I bought a bunch of stuff and went "Nah I don't like that",

I kinda came in and out of that a couple of times.

Thought I would shut myself off, I thought maybe that's cool ,

maybe that's what you have to do be a genius; Is you have to be mad ,

so if you get mad before the word genius maybe you can make genius appear, right?

Well that doesn't work either .

and I'm in a good place Ive paced myself pretty well,

I'm 30 Ive seen some cool stuff,

I made a lot of stuff happen for myself

I made a lot of stuff happen for myself right?

That's a really cool sentence when you're in your 20's

"I made it happen for myself"

But all that means is that I've just some way or another found a way to synthesis love,

or synthesis soothing,

You cant get that.

And what I'm trying to say is that Ive messed with all the approaches expect for one..

and its going to sound really corny but that's just love,

That's just love...

Ive done everything in my life that I want to do expect just give and feel love for my living

and I don't mean roman candle fire work ,Hollywood hot pink love,

I mean like I got your back love,

I don't need to hear I love you

you guys love me, I love you, we got that down

but some of the people who will tell you they love you,

Are the last same people who will be the last to have your back,

so I'm going to experiment with this love thing, giving love, feeling love,

I know it sounds really corny but its the last thing I got to check out before I check out..."

-John Mayer (Short speech made during Bold As Love)

10 days away from twenty two,

I feel as though twenty one has lasted an eternity.

Lesson after lesson , pain after pain, stress after stress, worry after worry,

I've never wanted a year to end so much.

I've been meaning to post this new entry but I haven't had the chance to really decide

what it is I'd like to say about twenty one,

How it is I'd like to sum it all up.

All I know is HOW I want to enter twenty two.

I never realized that possibly the way you start a year is the way you end it.

Like John Mayer my approach to life starting 21 was a mad one. I felt like I needed happiness,

Anything that brought about happiness, instant, at that very moment happiness.

I too tired just about everything and always came back to the initial mad approach I started off with, I needed instant happiness. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with seeking happiness, but avoiding pain while attempting to seek it, is a horrible approach.

I feel like I drove in circles just for the mere ability to say I've done it.

In the process though I hurt myself a lot and most importantly others.

I found a way to sooth and hide away my angry and pain :I used the "distraction" approach.

Which honestly only made me keep spining.

I didn't confront any of that anger and pain and I let those two emotions steer the wheel to my life under the impression that the two emotions were just yearnings for something better.

I ran away from love, from truth,

and I fled straight into lies,

like tiny balls of fantasies, they seemed to bring me happiness.

Yet at the end of the day or when I found myself alone deep in my thoughts ,

I felt a deep void that seemed to cause my throat to stiffen ,swell, and lock.

and ironically I felt completely and utterly unhappy.

As soon as I'd begin to feel that way, Id rush to find something to "distract" me from those emotions,

Again came in the lies,

Like tiny glowing stars,

Like sunshine on a cloudy day.

Masked.

I felt like I stranger in my own body, trying to please everybody.

Caught up in something I wasn't .

"Trying to win the lottery rather then working towards that paycheck" ( Word to Bright Eyes)

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Dear Twenty Two,

I've had a past rough year, although I learned much , I know I may forget the lessons and proceed to make similar mistakes. Just one request twenty two...Keep me where the light is, the real light , away from the lies. I enter you humble and hurt, give me guidance to heal and allow others to heal as well. A year older twenty two, a year over the terrible twenty one's , felt like a child going through the terrible two's. Keep me where the light is , keep my eyes open and allow me to try one last REAL approach, Love, love for myself and love for those that truly care about me. I come to you humble and on my knees. I come to you a different person yet not with my heart on ice or ready to shut down, but with my heart open and ready to "just give and feel love for my living", twenty two this is going to be a fabulous year for us, with the ups and with the downs. Twenty two lets strive to be BOLD as LOVE.

Sincerely Yours

Twenty One

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My Dearest Twenty One,

There's much I'd like to thank you for, Yes I said thank you for.

Although we made a mess together, it was still beautiful,

without you I don't think I'd be as full filled and ready to move on to me.

You forced me to see my destructive ways,

You forced me to see how far I'd go to run away from reality,

Thank you twenty one,

I'm looking forward to having you as a support and reminder of who I really am.

Sincerely Yours

Twenty Two.

PS. Just 8 more days twenty one, just 8 more days,

Ill allow you to check out with a big bang.