Tuesday, July 12, 2005:
*~ It seems the more I do ....
The more I fail ...It seems the more my heart warms
the more my soul dries ....
It seems I never get a break ...
I never get a chance ...so why try ...why try if I fall..... every single time ....
Im done trying ...Im done being ..Im done with so much ...life has nothing more ....
*~Its days like this I realize that Ive done something wrong
It seems like G_d is always punishing me ...
He must know that at times I don't believe in him
Only at these times really ...
Only when so much is wrong ...when all Ive done was try .....I don't want this ...
I just don't know why I try....
Wednesday, July 06, 2005:
A real Entry.....
I'm tired of being no body ..... I want to be someones everything
I want to spend endless hours on the phone I want to be told that I'm loved ....Guess that's why Ive be like Ive been ...I'm just so anxious to have someone in my life I wanna make someone happy I want to be happy.UGH sometimes I just wish I could go somewhere
Meet someone and be happy even if there will be fights
and tears I'm willing to cry for someone ....Willing to do so much ...I hate this anxiety I wish it would go away ....
*Umm yea -be careful what you wish for...eerie (11/13/2008)*
Thursday, June 30, 2005:
*~ How do two words bring connection to each other ....
they say love is held in the heart ....
according to Webster blood is held in the heart....
its a vital organ to our system ...without it we cant live....
Such a vital organ that pumps blood
Blood this substance we need for everyday life.. ..
is that were the love is held..
is that how it reaches every inch of our body ....
is that how it invades our thoughts ...
destroys our minds ...leaving us helpless leaving us useless without it...
Love nothing more then a mere thought..Nothing more then a thought, and idea ....
Nothing substantial ....Nothing real.....Yet why is it you can Feel it on the lips of your lover..
Why is it you can breath it in from the breath of the one you hold dear...
why is it you can see it in their eyes .....
Why is it you can feel it when you hold them tight.....
its unreal ....yet so real
controlled by the heart ..
stopped by the mind ....just simple organs .....and nothing more...*~
*I suppose the one thing Ive always contemplated deeply is love....still cant get my head around the thought....interesting...(11/13/2008)*
Tuesday, June 14, 2005:
Painting this today...
This is beauty to me......
*~ Some thing that was created through feelings and emotions..
Something not so keen to the eye ....
Something a little distorted to the mind...
Something that makes you look twice...
Something that makes you want to know more ....
Something that appears to carry nothing .......
Unless broken open..... Within lies the beauty ......~*
Sunday, June 12, 2005:
~ * As I pulled up there she was ....standing with the group of forgotten kids. she opened the door and with a big smile said hello......wheres your mom she was ask? I dunno shes out I think ......did she know about this special dance? she was asked yet again .......yes she did ...she responded ...her voice now lowered....wheres you dad?....did he know? .....yes he did ....then where is he now?.....I dunno I dunno she responds as she struggles to change the subject ....it was my last dance....I'm moving on to high school now...her head raised with a huge smile.....yet her eyes just couldn't lie .....Those parents of yours how could they forget about you ?......what if we weren't around who would have picked you up ?.....I dunno I dunno.....as she bit her lower lip....this time her answers were distant as she looked out the window.....who would have been there for me ....she began to wonder.....if the people who brought me to life could forget about me how could anyone else remember?...she wondered......you look beautiful I said to her......are you excited about going to high school I ask her?......she looked at me ....eyes full of tears....smiled ....and said .....cant wait.....The next day I heard she was caught drinking and smoking with a group of friends....next thing I hear shes having sex with anyone who appears in her way....next thing I hear shes pregnant........next thing I hear shes been raped.......13 I think ....that's a young age.....if only I could have said something more then are you excited about high school ?.......If only I could have found a way to be there for her instead of just have her assume I was there .....she only searched for love .....she only looked for company...now shes fighting .......shes losing .....shes losing....her search for love lead her down the wrong path all I can see in my mind are those big brown eyes.....that big huge smile that seemed to have no end......those sames eyes now I see ...but they no longer glow ......they hold so many fears ....fears that a little girl shouldn't have....problems a little girl shouldn't have to deal with ........those eyes that once held so much innocence ...now were blank .....I watched her as she held her child....a child her self I thought....a child herself.....A child who only searched for love ,love that turned that child into a full grown women .....~**I wrote this piece about one of my younger cousins...before she ended up pregnant at 15...sigh....I was so young then I really didn't know how to help? ((feeling useless for using excuse))- side note: she wasn't raped, that was just something I added ...keep in mind I didn't think she would really end up pregnant at such a young age... 11/13/08*
Thursday : 11/13/08
I think that's good for today, Ill re post some others another time.
Its amazing to reread those posts and recall where my mind was at during that time
period...Ive grown so much since then...and I'm much more stronger....Had to go through alot
of tough patches but I'm glad they came up because they made me stronger....I'd also like to think I'm a lot less emo? LOL I'm much more optimistic....I'm glad to be able to see such grown, it gives me hope that Ill continue to grow :)
Current Tune: Lost Without You - Robin Thicke
* Def in that dreamy type of way...looking up at the moon
and knowing that my special someone is out there...((HA!)) - that was cheese LOL but oh well I'm a dreamer :)
Lyrics verse of the day:
"Relax yourself girl, please set-tle down...
Honey, check it out,
you got me mesmerized
With your black hair and fat-ass thighs
Street poetry is my everyday..."
5 comments:
ru a poet? thanks for following my blog. keeps me going!! where u from?
I'd like to see more of your paintings. When I read your poetry, it was much like reading my own thoughts. It is funny, because the things I struggled with at 16, self worth, confidence, love, finding meaning...even after education, marriage, children and career, are the same mental "abstractions" that continue to haunt me, perhaps not as frequently as before. Your writing is reflective and beautiful. It is a gift to be able to see and feel the world. It lets you know that you are alive:) I hope that you continue to create.
love the old stuff... you're always sooo deep.
like the stuff about webster and the heart
Thanks for your comments,
They much appreciated :)
meant to say they are LOL much appreciated :)
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