Its Kind of Like....

.........Walking into a second story house, the upper level does not have walls, instead it has crystal clear windows, no roof just crystal clear windows....the house sits on top of a very high mountain, which makes you feel like you live in between the clouds. The upper level room is empty, no chairs no furniture, nothing but open space to mediate and full your soul with clarity....this room makes you feel complete with the universe, it makes you feel like you are in heaven..and when the sunsets you believe that you have everything you need and the day can end, your life can end, and you would be completely satisfied....the stars come out and you have never experienced them this close to you...you feel as though someone has given you a cloud on which to ride on...and you are in complete bliss...to you there is no world outside of this room...and the windows do not make you feel like your boxed in but like your free to come and go as you please......your body....your heart...your soul...and your mind....all is fulfilled all is satisfied....

but....

......The house isn't complete....the floor of the upper level has not been finished....and any step taken on that uneasy, unfinished floor, could break the floor and send you crashing down....the risk is a fall that would kill you....a fall from which you certainly would not be able to recover from...you think to yourself should I continue to expose myself like this for this feeling of bliss..for this feeling of satisfaction , complete utter happiness and soul thirst quenching feeling? Your mind begins to no longer enjoy the bliss of this room because it now thinks of the dangers involved, of the consequences that could arise...the room no longer has that mind clarity bliss and you can hear the house builders whispering in your ear "The floor is not secure, it will break and you will fall, you will fall and experience an immense amount of pain...if the fall does not kill you instantly....little by little your heart begins to understand the risks involved too....and its kind of like that...

Yet....

The thing many people don't understand is that you don't give up on this room...you don't give up the bliss...you work to build a stronger floor...you work towards making it so strong a group of 30 elephants could live on the floor....you work towards that...you don't walk away...and you don't let your heart give up on such a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction....you dont silence your soul....

***On the very random I have epiphanies during my daily run...yesterday the above thought came to my mind along with another...the other thought was the following:

"You can't expect to trust someone, if you don't trust yourself first"

I know this thought may not be new ...it might be old as dirt....but for me it was like opening a window in a dark room...

enjoy the randomness along with some tunes...

Miles Davis- Flamenco Sketches

Side Note: I wonder why Mr.Davis named this piece Flamenco Sketches...possible new blog post topic?...I think so....until then what do you think?

Now December Found The Love...

Lyrics that make my heart sing.

Do you remember the 21st night of september?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away
Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing.
As we danced in the night,
Remember how the stars stole the night away
Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in september
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day
My thoughts are with you
Holding hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love,
Remember how we knew love was here to stay
Now December found the love that we shared in September.
Only blue talk and love,
Remember the true love we share today
Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in September
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day
Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in September
Ba de ya - golden dreams were shiny days

-Earth Wind & Fire

Toward the end of the book (the time is 1914) Demian says to his friend Sinclair: "There will be war....but you will see, Sinclair, that this is just the beginning. Perhaps it will become a great war, a very great war. But even that is just the beginning. The new beginning and for those who cling to the old the new will be horrible. What will you do?" The right answer would be : "Assist the new without sacrificing the old." The best servitors of the new- Hesse is an example-may be those who know and love the old and carry it over into the new.

Introduction to Demian
Written by Thomas Mann

Remedy For An Addiction...

Here I go again with this need to let my pen bleed...
All the words, thoughts and dreams my mind can no longer conceal,
See my thoughts words and dreams exceed every force and attempt to lead a simple kind of life.
I find my pen writing hard on this paper in hopes that my thoughts, words, and dreams express and release on this sheet.
In hopes that I bleed all the LOVE that I hold in my words, thoughts and dreams upon this sheet,
May it bleed,
Bleed through the paper and quickly disappear,
Because I can no longer hold it all in,
I struggle to live that simple kind of life with these useless words, thoughts and dreams.
Words, thoughts and dreams about her.
Her presence, her essence, they consume me, but most of all her absence brings me to my knees.
Ive contemplated a possible obsession,
But I can feel its quickly moved into an addiction.
An addiction to her words,
To the way her lips move,
To the way her body communicates her thoughts,
To her smile.
I find myself searching every pair of eyes I meet to hold a similar glance,
I pray to find a similar smile,
I pray for a release.
I'm tired of painting, I'm tired of writing, I'm tired of thinking but most of all I'm tired of dreaming.
Its like my body oozes out everything I cannot express to her directly.
All the love I seem to have bottled up.
A painting won't do,
A poem, a verse leads no where,
A thought, a dream only seems to further the addiction.
Where do I find the remedy?
Maybe in her absence,
Yes I am certain,
But why is it that I still can't breathe?

*Random thought: I recognized a girl from my elementary school days on the bus ride home. I wasn't sure if it was her at first but then I noticed that as shes deep in thought she smiles. As a child she used to do that and I only know because she use to sit alone on the bus and we all thought she was weird because she always randomly smiled alone...to the air....Secretly I envied her because she could smile...

Im really not as emo as I may seem, when I mean I envied her because she could smile I really mean that back then I envied the fact that she was different, the fact that she was content with being alone or at least seemed like it. As a child I always found myself trying to do everything in my power to please people....to conform and be part of the crowd rather than an individual. I always found myself staring at her wondering what she could be thinking....

I use to have a Xanga in my early college years, its funny to see how much Ive grown and how little I still know... LOL....as for my short/long verses....there just a way to ease my heart...

Soul.Mind.Heart

The hopes of our human nature,
Strong they stand despite all previous rejections,
We know the truth in our minds, yet some how our hearts don't translate those objections,
Our hearts don't accept suggestions of any sort of rejections,
At least some human hearts don't,
I find myself wishing I could be among those few that have lost all hope,
Those few that see life just as it is,
Those few that seem to have their hearts on dry ice,
Frozen,
Numb,
Completely shut down,
I suppose then if I was one of those few,
Life would go easy on me.
I'd have less hope, foolishly profound hope,
and I'd know right from the start to never let my heart speak on its own terms.
I'd find myself strongly content, maybe not happy but certainly content.
Life would pass and I'd be a still statue in time,
A slight smile now and then,
I'd have nothing to believe in and just a routine life to awaken to,
Goals and dreams would not exist and although I see this as bliss,
How would I know to label it bliss?
Without dreams, without hope, how is one to know what true happiness feels like?
Pain and sorrow seem to come hand in hand with joy and love.
They depend on each other yet they seem to repel one another.
I'd take life without pain and sorrow,
With a silent, frozen heart, at least during these hours,
When all my heart seems to function for is as a ticking reminder of her.
Her distant ways don't seem to slow it down, don't seem to stop it at all.
I am certain nothing will soon stop it.
No strong force and I find the more I wish it away the faster and stronger it only seems to get.
There is no certain proof, scientific, logical proof that hearts feel emotions.
How then do I explain that stinking feeling in that organ when my eyes meet hers?
How then do I explain that piercing feeling of needles to that organ every time I think of not being able to share my love with her?
Such foolish thoughts that guide the heart, yet logically it doesn't think on its own,
We seem to live in a world full of fantasy and reality,
Which is which tho?
We have assigned the heart the most important of all emotions, yet its a simple organ that cannot think on its own.
We have given it such a strong value.
I suppose this half made up world believes that our mind cannot love, that our mind cannot control the emotions of our hearts.
With this in mind the soul must exist.
I dare say then the soul lies in our hearts.
The soul is what controls our hearts.
So when I find my heart hurting and paining to have her near,
Its truly my soul that needs her hear.
My soul yearns for her conversation,
For her touch,
For her warmth,
For her smile,
Our mind takes from our experiences, but our soul discards that all.
Its pure, its our true identity.
Those experiences we undertake can create logic in our thoughts can make us believe such things as hope and love do not exist, because we've been hurt.
It clouds our decisions and makes us hold back our true emotions.
Yet our soul has no inhibitions, our soul knows of these pains but has an infinite amount of hope, an infinite amount of love and does not believe in the logic of it all.
I find myself asking: Can two souls connect on a different level, such that although two individuals are completely opposite of each other, they still have this strong underling, indescribable bond?
What saddens me the most is that those two souls might not ever be able to love each other.
On the logical surface they differ in to many aspects for their minds to allow love.
Minds oppose with experience, with memories of previous mistakes made, with memories of events that cause an individual to be afraid and build a strong wall to guard their soul.
So many walls built by our minds.
Fear of rejection build one,
Fear of pain build one,
Fear of uncertainty build one,
Fear of happiness build one,
Fear of trust build one,
Fear of sorrow build one,
Fear of living build one,
Fear of loving build one,
Those two souls may never meet on this earth,
Logic overrules the most important and valued aspects of our lives:
Happiness,
Joy and
Love,
Important yet we fear the pains and woes that come along with them all.
I'm sure all of this has been written some where before,
and in truth I may be wrong.
Although I find myself truly writing from my soul and I dedicate this to my untouchable, unreachable other soul.
May we some day find the right fit for us between this fantasy and reality,
May our souls be content is what I wish for us both,
Because I know true and complete happiness isn't possible without her mind and soul right by my side.
May I find a similar match to quiet my soul, and may she find what she thinks I do not hold.....